What are boundaries?
By Patricia McGuire, LPC-MHSP
10/16/2024
In October, I am exploring boundaries in the blog (including an excellent book recommendation!) The word “boundaries” gets tossed around a lot, but what does it mean to set and maintain healthy boundaries?
Boundaries are values-based limits and needs you set for yourself to establish what is acceptable in your relationships and interactions. Setting boundaries is not a way to control others’ behaviors. Boundaries are not meant to shut out others, but rather to create space where we can maintain healthy connection.
As Nedra Glover Tawwb says, “Healthy boundaries are about are you, not other people. You can choose how you want to show up, but you cannot make (force or demand) that others be anything other than who they want to be. Essentially with boundaries, you are making requests of others that they have the choice to honor or not. On the bright side, healthy people tend to honor reasonable requests.”
Establishing clear boundaries reduces stress, alleviates anxiety, and prevents burnout. Boundaries can cover a wide range of life domains, including (but not limited to) our physical, mental, and emotional health.
Questions to help you explore your boundaries:
Physical: What am I comfortable with in my personal space and physical touch?
Mental: What personal thoughts and opinions am I comfortable sharing with others and hearing from others?
Emotional: What feelings do I want to express? How do I feel supported when I share?
Examples of how you can set boundaries:
Physical: Recognize your physical boundaries and verbalize with others what is comfortable for you. For example: “I prefer shaking hands and don’t want a hug.”
Mental: Assess how different topics impact you. Be respectful of your own thoughts and allow others to have different opinions. For example: “Please do not be disrespectful when we disagree.”
Emotional: Express your feelings gradually and assess your comfort level as you share. Also, be aware of how others’ emotions impact you. For example: “Please don’t tell me how I should feel. My feelings are valid.”
When your boundaries are violated:
Communicate your boundaries directly & assertively. This often begins with stating “I need…” or “I expect…”
Reiterate the boundary and possibly issue a healthy ultimatum. This could sound like, “I have asked you several times to be respectful when we disagree, but you continue to belittle me. If this happens again, I will no longer discuss certain topics with you.”
Decide what you will do if your boundary is violated after it’s been communicated and reiterated. This may mean being more guarded or cautious in certain interactions, but it could also mean leaving the conversation, leaving the room, or even leaving a relationship.
Boundaries are flexible and may change over time as you learn more about yourself and move through different seasons of life. Boundaries help you prioritize what is important to you to move through life with authenticity and connection with others.
Go deeper: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/boundaries
If this resonated with you and you’d like to explore these ideas further, connect with Patricia McGuire Counseling here
